What Resides in Blackness

John: Unpredictable.

John: *the only thing expected in my new life is that one word, my path up to this point a corkscrew*

John: *finding out what I was, and why I was only serving to make things even screwier*

John: *blood running through my veins holding the key to my origins, yet hidden triggers lurk at every turn, the seizures hitting without warning*

John: *there are no precursors to my brain fits, just the blackouts and memories that might as well not exist.*

John:  *knowing they are there, in the pit of tar that takes up real estate in my mind*

John:  *taking copious notes on detonators, @Zsadist_BDB instructing with a sharp gleam in his eyes*

John:  *neck jerking sharply…plummeting into the blackness…*

Z: *Hearing the clatter of a chair and the thud of a body doing a meet and greet with the floor behind me, whipping around.* Fuck.

Z: *Quickly striding to @John_MatthewBDB’s side* Shit, hang on, John.

John:  *this night like any other, only not*

John:  *the chill in the air holding heavy foreboding, and not only in the thickness of the looming drops of rain*

John:  *ice has settled into my bones, making itself at home*

John:  *holding an uncanny awareness of every finite detail of each moment though significance escapes me*

John:  *brushing the unexplainable aside as circumstance, an after effect of concern for my daughter, her transition looming*

John:  *my brother @Wrath_BDB, the rightful king of our race, her greatest hope for survival.  And yet he has just left my plea unsettled*

John:  *departing the club on foot, leaving the rank odor of human sweat and spilled beer in my stead*

John:  *my busy mind remaining unmitigated by the three beers I have just finished*

John:  *each step I take placing me closer to something I am anticipating on a cellular level…something unwanted*

John:  Something I cannot control.

John:  Something I am enslaved to.

John:  *this having already happened, I am but a memory*

John: *Step*

John: *foot scraping against the pavement*

John: *Step*

John: *my boot leaving an invisible imprint, a trace of me behind*

John: *Step*

John: *every lift of my foot heavier, anchors holding me against fate*

John: *Step*

John: *the sound of my foot meeting land echoing through the air*

John: *Step*

John:  *taking a thick inhale through my nostrils, air filling my lungs. Life*

John:  *my hand meeting cool smooth metal, opening the door of my BMW. Leather sliding against leather as I sink into my beauty, closing myself in*

John:  *thoughts turning to @DrHavers_BDB as an option to save my daughter, perhaps it is he who can give her the chance at life I dream for her*

John: Preoccupation is the enemy’s ally.

John:  Click

John: *the key slips into the ignition*

John: Turn

John:  *twisting my wrist, expecting to hear the roar of the engine*

John: Wheeze

John: Turn

John: *the hissing sound hitting my ears, slamming the premonition into my mind in the space of a moment*

John: Click

John: Click

John: Click

John: The rhythm unmistakable.

John: Blast

John: *White heat. Blindness. Searing flesh. Perforating eardrums. Ash on my tongue.*

John: *light travels faster than sound, a fact*

John:  *but at the precipice of death by incineration, my senses melding as the flesh does to bone, the body to ash*

John:  *heat engulfing me as I am robbed of my sight, blindness unable to save me from the realization of agony*

John: *my eardrums sucking inward in a vortex of heat, the scent of seared flesh – my flesh – locking into my neuro-pathways*

John: Deafness can’t silence the internal scream.

John: *jaw popping wide in reaction, the taste of ash sinking into each bud on my tongue, before my tongue disintegrates*

John: The taste of my own ash my last.

John: *Thought*

John: @BethR_BDB, my daughter.

John: Light

John: *light replacing the black, coming to, awakening the the scarred face of @Zsadist_BDB, using a firm tone to command me out of my stupor*

Z:  *holding @John_MatthewBDB steady, trying to keep him hurting himself* C’mon kid. Come the fuck back. John?

John: *@Zsadist_BDB’s voice muted as if I’m emerging from underwater. Taking shallow breaths, realizing my mouth is gaping in a silent scream*

Z:  *Thank fuck @John_MatthewBDB is starting to register, meeting his eyes*

John:  *a fleck of concern in @Zsadist_BDB’s buttery eyes dissipating as I regain composure*

John: *the aftermath of the seizures never pleasant, the grip of fatigue white-knuckle tight, my body disoriented, trying to regain equilibrium*

John:  Always the same.

John: This time different.

John: The missing time the only familiar.

John: *skin prickling with remnants of heat, my throat arid, thick with the taste of smoke, the smell of singed hair assaulting my nose*

John: *an unmistakable desperation driving me to see…her*

John: @BethR_BDB, my sister


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